


Untangling The Threads of Fate

by silasfinch



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Family Drama, Future Fic, Gen, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-01-04 04:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18336620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: Julianna has loved Valentina from the moment they met but it wasn’t enough In the beginning. Is it enough when Valentina is a recovering addict and solo parent who is barely holding on?21/09/19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [0mniessence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mniessence/gifts).



> I am dyslexic so please be gentle with corrections - also new to fandom so may not have details right
> 
> For O for recommending and ensuring I binged for about 8 hours

 

  
Hope is the thing with feathers  
That perches in the soul,  
And sings the tune without the words,  
And never stops at all,  
  
And sweetest in the gale is heard;  
And sore must be the storm  
That could abash the little bird  
That kept so many warm.  
Emily Dickinson - Poet

  
"We need your help."

Juliana Valdés struggles to contain her surprise both at the request and the people sitting across from her the worry evident in their features. Its testament to the seriousness of the situation that the older Carvajal siblings make a formal appointment with her secretary then again she has carefully avoided any interactions with this family for nearly eight years.

Even sitting in the fancy offices and working for a major fashion house it's hard not to feel like the besotted girl from the wrong side of the tracks.

"There are few emergencies that fashion houses can assist with, Eva, unless you are missing an accessory or evening dress?" Julianna offers archy.

"Vale is in trouble, and we think you might be the only one she will listen to, God knows we try often enough." Guille is almost pleading as he paces the room.

"I have had no contact with your sister for eight years; you know this." Julianna tries to keep the pain from her voice.

"As if that matters - for whatever mystical reason that haunts our family you have her heart and never let go" Eva sounds like the words annoy her to no end.

"I no longer believe in such fanciful notions - our realities are very different now."

"Yet she is the inspiration for every one of your outfits and if it weren't against union labour laws every model would have long hair and doe eyes - body diversity or not- face it you just as obsessed as our baby sister." Eva challenges hotly."

"Eva..." Gullie pleads sensely the start of an argument

"Why do you think Valentina will pick up?"

“Please just try”

 

***

The choice is made the second she hears Valentina's name.

Juliana wasn't lying when she said they share a deep connection, irrespective of the relationship status. Her soul knew the other was in pain and the discussion with Eva and Gullie is merely confirmation in the secular world.

Time, space and distance don't heal the ache of separation entirely, but the intensity lessens with time. There are less complicated discussions about reincarnation, society, death and acceptance; her life isn't always under threat, and she lives proudly as her mother's daughter despite the haunting of her father's crimes. It helps that she is entering a whirlwind of creativity and stress trying to launch a label (an ethical and sustainable one at that).

The stories about the industry aren't as nightmarish and cutthroat as the movies portray, but it is close. This reality is especially true for the newbie who insists on keeping models fit and healthy, however, despite the growth of her career and ties to family, the ghost of Valentina dances in the shadows of everything she does, from designing to drawing birds in the park on a whim.

Unlike the ghosts of her past Julianna finds comfort in feeling Valentina's presence in everything, as she plans a colour theme that almost matches her eyes or expands on a pattern that her former friend loves. In a small way her every design and creative venture holds a tribute to a woman who inspires her future. Rumour had it that Persion rug makers use to put a flaw in their great rugs in a tribute to divine perfection. Similarly, Julianna pays tribute to lost love and feelings; Valentina was the first one to have faith in a crazy dream.  
***

Valentina's normal life didn't work out well in the end, but it isn't because she didn't try hard enough.

The scion of a media empire spent their years apart trying to model herself into the perfect image of the role, from media appearance and job of the payroll to dating a succession of highly suitable men who are clones of Lucho in the all the important ways, from pedigree to looks and ambition. Leon Carvajal would approve of how his children came together to defend his legacy against the cartel, competitors, corruption and government scrutiny.

Julianna isn't so much of a masochist that she can watch Valentina marry the son of a radio tycoon with ambitions of a government post. Lupia hesitantly reports that they make a striking couple and Valentia seems happy especially doing the charity outreach in her father's name. Julianna knows better the most how easy the other woman fakes continent and hides her pain its second nature - more natural than breathing.

"She wore one of your designs, did you know?"

"Yes - I sent it to her as a wedding gift of sorts" Julianna struggles to fight tears.

"Oh my love you are pure of heart," Lupe says as she reaches out for a hug.

It's hard to avoid the coverage of the bitter devoice six years later and the nasty accusations that reporters delight in sharing, from custody battles to his succession of younger girlfriends. It makes Julianna's blood boil when they drag Val through the mud for no other crime than wanting to leave the man and fighting for primary custody.

  
She spitefully bands the worse magazines from covering any fashion shows and chooses an obscure magazine for an exclusive because they run an article on defending divorced women from media slander.

“People of influence in whatever field need to collectively fight for the right to choose a life outside conventional expectations, even if doing so is scary and daunting in our current political climate” the words are generic but the message is Valentina alone.

  
***

Valentina Carvajal is doing an excellent job of self-distracting.

Juliana Valdes is influence enough to take the information Eva gives and probe deeper for information, a necessity in a country and continent still grappling with corruption. If her father and his legacy have taught her anything it is that information is almost as valuable as currency and finding the right people is priceless. The investigation is descrite and respectful, but that simple fact doesn't make the resulting discoveries any less painful to hear.

Her alcohol problem is escalating to point that she lives with a sober coach who keeps her on track and the children safe. The children were temporally in the care of Guillie and Ranenta.

Julianna will do whatever it takes to offer support.

  
***

Her first approach is social media.

Guillermo and Eva don't hesitate to give every scrap of information they have on their sister and her latest activities in and out of the media. The extra information is nothing new but the heartbreak of family is still painful. The siblings are desperately worried about their sister having run out of every option money can buy. Julianna tries not to resent the fact that they weren't so supportive in the beginning when they were trying to make a go of a relationship or when Val was feeling so distraught at guilty over father's death.

They have visions of her staging a grand intervention, complete with people and ultimatums but Julianna knows enough of this world to discount that option immediately, Valentina is a prideful woman who will lash out if cornered by accusations and expectations.

Instead Julianna makes overtures in the public forum using both her pubic and personal accounts. The easiest option is following the charity work and offering donotions and influence

Valentina looks beautiful in the publicity shots as she works in the clinics and sits on the board. Julianna feels like a stalker liking every photo and sharing every charity drive on the company website.

It is a post pleading for her twin boys to be left out of the coverage that prompts Julianna to reach out in private messaging.

“I am so proud of you Valentina – you are making a change for tot and everyone else”

Julianna can barely concentrate in the meetings for the next two days until she gets the soft dig of notifications

“You are the one with the courage to live your dream and proudly as a lesbian. Bravery and desperation are different things”

“May I email you sometimes?” Julianna rewrites the text at least 10 times

Valentina replies almost immediately with a list of private details, a true sign of trust given the invasion of privacy that happens in the past.

Julianna feels like she won a lottery with that single tweet.

***

Her second approach is a work invitation.

Valentina Carvajal may be avoiding all aspects of life that do not involve her children or escapism, but she has a passion for her charity work. An invitation to an exclusive party with some of the most influential woman in the country is too irresistible to pass up, especially when Val makes no secret of her wish to expand the operation to the remotest parts of Mexico and beyond. Julianna only feels slightly bad about milking her contacts and influence; she needs to see Valentina and asses the damage done by broken hearts and promises.

Julianna even works up the courage to send over a dress for the occasion, in rich reds and greens that is a more sophisticated vision of the original outfit, with much more expensive fabrics. Her hands shake as she stitches the final adornments. The ghosts on her shoulders are whispering load tonight pulling at the threats of fate.

Julianna tries not to lie to herself too often, but her excuse of getting fresh air is wearing thin as she waits on the steps of the museum which is hired out for the occasion.  
The wait is worthwhile when Val starts coming up the stairs, carefully holding up the dress.

“You look beautiful” she whispers into the cold night air.

“Anyone would look amazing in this dress – thank you”

“I made it for you”

If they say anything more in that moments things will get out of hand in good and bad ways. Instead they walk to a society event as equals for the first time.

  
***

Her third approach is text messages.

For some reason, this is the step that makes her most nervous, even after all the effort to make the first overture. So much of their relationship was secretive and reliant on texting back and forth, though Chevies and the others saw only friendship between them.

Julianna still has most Valentina's voice messages and texts on her older model phone in a desk drawer. Somewhere she still has most keepsakes from their time together even if there is no public photos or aniverseries to mark or mourn.

“Thank you for coming last night – it was lovely to see you”

“You were a wonderful companion for the evening – although I feel bad about monoposling your – your assistant doesn’t like me very much”

“Haha – she runs my entire life to the second – spontinaty is good for her”

Julianna hesitates before sending an informal shot of them together taken by an in house photographer. The man is skilled and it is a beautiful shot by she looks embaressingly smitten.

***

Her forth approach is a phone call.

Strictly speaking, it is Valentina who makes the first call it is Julianna who insists that she call any time, day or night if the cravings got too bad. Still, it is something of a surprise when her private cell (a closely held secret) goes off at 3:30 am, and a familiar name flashes in the dark.

"I wanted to call you a hundred times over the years, but each time words failed and doubts won., they still do."

"My heart broke every time they said mean things about you on TV or brought up your father" Julianna whispers just as softly.

“Most of it isn’t without a certain truth,Juls. The term wild child was made for me”

“That doesn’t mean you deserve such judgemental snobbery, your sister is bad enough”

Valentina proceeds to tell the tale of getting sober and the nightmares, hallucinations and relapses. The imagination of a withdrawing addict is a terrifying place. Julianna wishes she was there for support.

“Will you tell me a story to help me fall asleep? A mother of twins is an insomniac by definition I’ve so missed hearing your voice when I couldn’t sleep”

Julianna doesn’t have any stories to hand too much has changed between them and much of the past and present is painful to recall.

“Did I tell you swimming is one of my favorite hobbies? I still like a clumsy baby calf but it is still relaxing in the evenings”

“Really?”

Julianna falls into an easy rhythm of sharing stories about her mother, the wedding and the new family unit. It takes awhile to realize Valentina is snoring softly on other end.

Julianna keeps talking both to keep away the night terrors and for the share joy of knowing that the woman she loves is safe for now.

 

***

Her fifth approach is a date in the park.

Juliana Valdes may not be the scared girl running from Texas anymore, but butterflies are doing entire ballets in her stomach as she waits, pretending to answer emails on her phone instead of counting down the seconds. She is wearing one of her creations, not an official piece from a new line just a dress that she made for fun on an inexpensive sewing machine at home.

The fabric feels fresh and light on her skin, almost like that first day they met so long ago, when her body new that something momentous was occurring. There is a dream like quality to the moment.

“Have you been waiting long?”

Julianna barely resists the urge to say something cliché about waiting a lifetime for this moment. Valentina looks so beautiful in a casual sundress with hair down.

“Only a moment” is the compromise that her rational settles for

They walk together in an uneasy silence the Carvajal keeping a respectful distance but they are still painful reminder of the danger that is ever present in this world.

“Will you tell me about your children?”

Valentina flashes the first genuine smile of the evening and brings out her phone for obligatory shots. Thankfully she stays away from the cliches about how amazing they are and sticks to the facts. The stories are amusing and touching – her former love is a natural storyteller.

Julianna is ambivalent about children at best and scorns the notion of a conventional family. However, the affect of motherhood on this woman is beautiful to see.

Valentina is a natural artist and the endless photos content beauty, love and creavity.

“Tell me about your baby? The fashion line?” Valentina prompts as they reach the playground

“Well I believe I have you to thank for the seed funding. The money was a big help in getting support for the first designs and staff”

“You weren’t suppose to know- it was annoymous for a reason I know you feel about wealth and status, especially mine”

“The suspect pool is limited – my family and friends can’t afford to be that generous – especially in the beginning. I tried to thank you but your numbers changed”

“I didn’t deserve your thanks or gratitude at the time”

Julianna starts to protest but stops as she feels Valentina place a trembling hand on her lips. They stay frozen in that moment for several long seconds. Neither knows what to say or how to reconcile both the past and present.

“Having you here is the only reward I need”

***

"Oh your children, they are so beautiful."

Julianna's heart swells with joy when she sees the 6-year-old twins chasing each other around the park, looking like miniature copies of each other, dark hair catching the evening sunlight. She can see the similarity to Valentina in their long limbs and quick smiles. There is much speculation in the media if they would follow their mother into internet or modelling fame.  
The fashion designer tries not to appear too creepy as watches their every move and delights as their laughter floats across the park.

"I was afraid you what resent them" Valentina whispers as they settle on a bench away from the other families with pets and bright umbrellas.

"Your children? Never" Julianna exclaims quickly hating that she was uncertain about touching the hands wringing nervously.

"I know my new life was hard to avoid - especially with my ex-husband making our lives a spectacle - seeing us in those stupid photo shoots of a perfect family, complete with matching outfits that the boys hate," Valentina confesses in a low voice.

"My only pain was the dead, haunted look in your eyes and knowing you mostly took a fifth of vodka to get through every moment. A family should make you happy and beam with pride not shrink into a shell with horrible fake fur."  
  
"I'm never wearing fur again or forcing the boys into ridiculous sailor suits" Valentina vows her shoulders relaxing from the hunched defensive posture.

"You are a wonderful mother - the boys adore you."

"I agreed when Claude insisted on a surrogate because I knew that the temptation to drink wouldn't get to me in the end - they were safter away from me then and possibly now" Valentina disagrees.

"Oh darling you don't need to be like this - we can make it better I promise."

"Did you know I named them after you? I'm just lucky Claude's grandfather is Julian and a stable of the family tree. Claudio and Julian are my only happiness aside from the memory of you."

Julianna wishes she could make Valentina smile with a dress, learning to swim or dancing weirdly in the park. Nothing is so simple anymore.

“Thank you for agreeing to Eva’s plan. There was no reason to say yes”

Julianna blinks in surprise and offers a half guilty shrug as she fiddles with her ponytail – wishing her face wasn’t so transparent.

“Just maybe we can make new memories together”

 

 

 


	2. Banquet of Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 A.M. and my neighbors hate me  
> Music blasting, shaking these walls  
> This time Mary Jane won't save me  
> I've been working later, I've been drinking stronger
> 
> I've been smoking deeper but the memories won't stop  
> I can't stop thinking 'bout you  
> I can't stop thinking 'bout you  
> I can't get high, I can't get by, I can't get through  
> I can't stop thinking 'bout you  
> Dua Lipa

_3 A.M. and my neighbors hate me_   
_Music blasting, shaking these walls_   
_This time Mary Jane won't save me_   
_I've been working later, I've been drinking stronger_

_I've been smoking deeper but the memories won't stop_   
_I can't stop thinking 'bout you_   
_I can't stop thinking 'bout you_   
_I can't get high, I can't get by, I can't get through_   
_I can't stop thinking 'bout you_   
_Dua Lipa_

There are consequences to her siblings' interventions and Julianna's reappearance her life.

Valentina knows that Eva and Gullie have ample reason to worry about the future and their nephews. She hasn't displayed good judgement for more than a decade, becoming an 'official' addict complete with public humiliation and blackouts was the end of a long road. Despite the deep family dysfunction and the tricky legacy of their father in various reincarnations, Eva fought hard to keep her sane and the boys present for all but the worse parts.

What they didn't count on though is the simple fact seeing this ghost from her past is by definition allowing herself to feel all those long-buried emotions and conflicts. They are seating here in the park on a warm day; the only thing different from their early idealistic dates is that two of the children racing in the background are hers. At the same time, Valentina is a bundle of unfamiliar nerves, jitty panic and racing thoughts. These are the exact sensation alcohol, partying and in general acting like a spoiled socialite is designed to avoid.

"Maybe we can make new memories."

It's difficult for Valentina to comprehend let alone articulate how much she would like the chance to be in Julianna's life again. Her expectations aren't of a grand, sweeping romance; extreme passion are part of her problem. Simply having Julianna as a friend is a prize beyond imagining right now.

"I would love the chance to get to know you again."

"I'm not so different Val, they just pay now me now for my fanciful doodles, and I have bigger sewing machines to play with," Julianna says with a sad smile.

"You are wrong - you've earned every once of your success, and you carry that success in your baring with new confidence and that same fearless and bold conviction."

"Eva wants several of my handbags so I must be doing something right." Julianna agrees jokingly.

"I'm sorry the Claudio and Julian are so reserved, they are used to me hosting meetings with boring people who talk about money and charity, the jungle gym always wins out."

The twins in questions are indeed exhausting themselves trying to race each other around the children's area by the water feature, luckily they have no after-school activities and can nap after this adventure. Valentina isn't sure where the boys got their athletic inclinations from, certainly not their parents. As it is both boys are thoroughly enjoying the social soccer club on the weekend and swimming lessons, keeping the kids busy as the added advantage of maintaining the custody arrangements as borderline civil at this point.

"They are children not performers - they don't need to play cute on command, leave them be, I'm certainly not an attractive prospect for six-year-olds- what I know about soccer or sport can fit in a thimble. Kids are not my thing for a reason."

"Would you still be willing to meet with the youngest family Carvajal again?" Valentina asks with a nervous tremble in her voice.

The words are lighthearted, but the implications are not, she isn't the free-spirited student now. Their early relationship was full of sneaking around and dramatic moments plus a few hostage situations. Valentina Carvajal is older and wiser, but also she fought her to become a parent in more than name only, therefore any relationship between them must consider her new role.

"I will study up on the national team, and our chances for the championship" Julianna promises with a beaming smile.

  
***

It takes **courage** to commit to living without your addiction of choice.

Valentina Carvajal is an expert in denial, and it took several painful confrontations with her sister and ex-husband to honestly realise the magnitude of her problem and dependency of stimulants. The real possibility of losing the boys was just enough for her to commit to the process, though it wasn't without relapse after relapse. The thing that only other addicts know is the true temptation of not dealing with the real world and all its associated emotions.

Enduring a long fight with Claude about rescheduling visitation is enough grates to on her nerves like fingernails on board even though he no longer has the power in their relationship. After all, his parent's money bailed him out of some reasonably serious trouble too. In practical terms Eve, Gullie and his parents were the true negotiators during the darkest times. Husband and wife just played the role of family screw ups to perfection.

"I can't have the boys this weekend - there are events I can't rearrange, and I will barely see them, that wouldn't be fair."

"Between us, we have enough money for six nannies - why do you fight me on hiring any? All their friends have them" Claude growls irritably.

"You know I wasn't there for the first few years - either emotionally or physically at times. My time with them is going to be my time" Valentina says forcefully.

"You want the evenings to spend time with your precious Julianna, don't you?

Valentina freezes as if ice water is filling her veins, a sudden flashback to the confrontation with Lucho hitting like a sucker punch. Her ex-husband wasn't as violent or impulsive but hearing the name of her beloved is still tricky in these circumstances.

"What?"

"You talk in your sleep, did you think you could hide your little secret from me? She is all you talk about, my dear. I should have fought you on the name, but dad was over the moon at the choice."

As with most of their conversations this one ends in an unsatisfactory stalemate, Val will have the boys for the weekend and cancels the charity AGM strategy meeting. There is no satisfaction in resisting the alcohol that calls to her - she feels empty and shaky.

  
***

Valentina struggles for **honesty** above all else.

In a way, this effort is a legacy from her time with Julianna. A braver person would shout their relationship to the world and break up with Lucho properly. Once the haze of alcohol wears off Valentina feels vaguely sick at how many lies she told and how effortless they came.

"I can't do the business for much longer"

The words feel like small cannonballs in her mouth, and her throat tightens reflectively as always she has to reign in the impulse to find a drink physically. Sometimes it is hard working within a family that has access to some of the best and most seductive alcohol on the planet. Fortunately, her siblings do not explode at the news only turn to give her their full attention.

"We know this Val - your heart is in the charity work no big deal" Gullie responds calmly.

"No I mean I need to pull away from work entirely - I'm struggling to recovery properly, and our work functions don't help, the parties and the PR events."

Her older siblings exchange glances before getting up and giving her a bear hug, still a strange sensation for a family that isn't overly tactile.

"Well done, little sis. We are proud of you."

The Carvajal siblings have an early dinner to celebrate her decision - the children delight in the impromptu trip to the Food Cart Festival, enjoying the mounts of food.

 

***

Claudio wasn't a good husband, but Valentina cannot claim to be a good wife. They try and be **honourable** for the kids sake. 

The papers love to vilify one or both of them for various transgressions. The truth is they are both products of wealth, indulgent parenting and poor boundaries, not that any of it excuses personal responsibility. Claude is everything she was consciously and unconsciously taught to expect in a husband, full of macho pride and complicated ideas about masculinity. A liberal father and a progressive mother meant that he is better than most in their social circles.

"I don't want my boys raised by hippies and man-hating feminists."

The notion is so ridiculous that Valentina struggles to take it seriously, especially when Claude sounds more insecure than truly angry. She knows him well enough to tell the difference. He fears his place with the boys now that Valentina has somebody serious in her life even if their relationship isn't official in any way. The Valdés are famous enough to have something of a reputation for social justice.

"Nobody will ever excuse me other either, you fool. A future relationship won't change a thing."

"I still want all my time with them."

"Of course."

"They won't play with barbies or anything like it."

His concerns are cliche but valid in his way he is just as insecure. The boys are going to play with whatever they want, but she can play the game for peace.

For all his sins he is a good father.

 

***

Valentina wants to earn Julianna's **respect** again.

This aspiration is proving more difficult than initially intended, Valentina works hard to avoid the mistakes of the past and any references to romance. They talk openly about feelings and aspirations and even the upcoming pride marches. Even with the intensity of their connection and time together Julianna is challenging to read, more often than not turning the discussion away from herself with a quick smile.

"I am getting better on my own; the intervention was a success. You don't need to hang around if you don't want to anyway" Valentina whispers defensively as they follow the boys to the pool.

Julianna pauses and tugs Valentina to a stop, a hostile look in her fathomless eyes.

"I never staged their dam intervention -if you think me spending time with you has anything to do with sobriety or the whims of your sister we can stop right now." she hisses forcefully.

"Juls..."

The fashion designer storms towards the pool outrange in her every movement and gesture. Val hurries to catch up, her longer stride an advantage in this circumstances.

"I just wish you would talk to me about more than work."

"It's hard you know - let's just swim."

Watching Julianna swim isn't any easier - true to her word the other woman is much more confident in the water, sinking into the deep end without hesitation. The swimsuit is a beguiling combination of colours and material. Val physically aches to cradle Jules as she did long ago. Julianna moves with confidence now, but her eyes never leave Valentina, and it is Val that almost trips on the pool steps, landing with a loud splash.

"Do you need me to teach you the art of entering a pool?"

"I wouldn't say no if you are offering."

"Float with me."

Valentina struggles not to cry as she moves to orbit the other woman and reaches out a gentle hand to grasp their fingertips together, relishing the touch and Jules gentle smile. A moment together is worth all the difficulty and uncertainty. The sound of her children laughing in the background is music to her eyes and provides a peaceful backdrop.

"Thank you for coming back to me."

"Nowhere I would rather be, Valentina."

 

***

Valentina's first **loyalty** is to her sons; sadly this wasn't always the case.

Therefore it is a no brainer to cancel on Julianna when both the boys come down with a nasty case of the chickenpox. The parent group on social media floods without helpful suggestions and grim photos of the small outbreak at the private school. Contrary to popular belief, money can't protect you from everything. The boys have a particularly bad case and are buddles of pain and misery in pyjamas. Their doctor expects a full recovery, but it will take a while.

Still, she wants to see Julianna in a fancy dress opening her new collection - complete with speech and maybe even dancing.

"Mommy, I'm so itchy can you make it stop."

Valentina feels her heart clench at the simple faith of a child. Her hands smell like the anti-itch cream and the endless amounts of washing powder. The boys don't have much appetite, so she makes as much soup as possible as they can keep it down.

"I know baby let me run you another bath then we can get some ice cream, my love."

The doorbell ringing is almost jarring as she buddles up sheets for yet another round of washing, for a second Val worries about security and the dangers of the cartel.

"Hey, I come bearing food and offer to wash. Don't worry I had chickenpox years ago."

Valentina blinks in shock as Julianna moves past her and begins upboxing her bags. Jul looks even more beautiful in casual clothes and a messy ponytail, the hint of an expensive perfume is a beguiling scent. Val trails useless in her wake.

"I'll crash on the couch and make the family breakfast in the morning. Mumma gave me a recipe that settles the stomach."

  
***

 **Forgiveness** is a problematic concept both in the abstract and in practice.

Valentina is well aware that being an addict with money is a privilege in recovery too, case and point her on-call psychologist and recovery coach. Both of them were there from the start and refused to leave even when she was at her most vile or vilifying - the money was good but not good enough to keep two such loyal people unless they genuinely believed in recovery generally and her future specifically.

"I shouldn't have relationship right, that's what all the programmes say, focus on internal healing etc.?"

Annalise remains calm on the coach as she listens to the narrative for the 10th time, calmly watching her charge pace and tug her hair in frustration, this isn't the first conversation of this kind but its the first Val feels so nervous.

"You are well past the first stages of recovery and obsessive attachments besides we aren't working any particular programme. If you want to seek a relationship, I'm not going to warn against the dangers; the question is why the idea of reconnecting with a past lover is so difficult for you."

"Don't shrink me, Anna."

 

"Don't act like you need me to - ask the girl out already"

 

  
***

Julianna is asleep on her shoulder; the action is such a simple yet profound thing.

A combination of nervousness and practicality means they haven't rushed into seeing each other and exchanging hundreds of messages. Their careers and lives demand a certain level of attention, for several weeks during New York Fashion Week they aren't even in the same timezone. Valentina craves Julianna with the intensity of both a former lover and somebody with extreme, addictive tendencies. However, at the same time, she enjoys the occasional meetings and the slow connection between Julianna and the boys.

All of their activities are public, low key and more often than not working around child-friendly hours. Valentina has never taken such pure pleasure in walking for hours while listening to Julianna talk about the days work. The Carvajals as a whole live a shattered life of wealth and exclusivity - learning about the public museums, lector series and libraries are a revelation. Juls teases her about joining the patron board of the local children's art centre and volunteering in the local remedial reading classes.

"I'm converting Leon Carvajal's daughter to the path of community activisms, Mumma and Poppa will be proud next time I go round for Sunday roast" she teases gently.

"I am a better person for every conversion that you attempt, big and small. I draw the line at too much dancing in public though - you got me on a good day."

"Private dancing?" Julianna hints mockingly

Valentina feels the hint of a blush creep up her neck both at the memories and the implications. Although they were careful to keep topics in the present occasionally one or both of them will stumble into a memory that cracks like a lightning storm. It should be a relief to that that they feel the pull equally, but instead, it makes Val nervous.

  
The boys accept Julianna's presence simply because she doesn't make any demands of them, unlike their father's young and inexperienced girlfriends. True to her word Julianna studies Socer in earnest and shyly asks them to teach her Minecraft so she can keep up with her baby brother. Claudio and Julian are naturally confident children, and they enjoy the chance to display knowledge. Juls is even game enough to play goalie in the backyard a time or two.

Surprisingly it is Julian that first invites his mother's friend to join them for family movie and pizza night, complete with snacks and bean bags in the living room. Julianna falls asleep in the middle of the Incredibles 2. Valentina would like happy to stay here forever but she knows from experience Julianna's neck will not thank her.

"She's missing the best part" Claudio whispers earnestly.

"You will have to tell her when she wakes up" Valentina's mouths.

She carefully extracts herself from under Julianna; fortunately, the fashion designer still sleeps like a log. The coach is massive and can easily convert to a comfortable sleeping spot. Julian thoughtful brings over a blanket and pillow that is twice the size he is and tries to spread it over their guest.

"Chocolate Sunday before extra teeth brushing and bedtime?" Valentina whispers as they leave the room.

In the early days, one of the easiest ways to reconnect with the boys was to become a 'fun parent' who permits any food and routine now such impulses are reserved for making their favourite treats and hosting countless birthday parties in the big house.

"We have almost the same name" Julian offers as he hands over the chocolate chips "You call me Jules too"

"The same as your grandfather" Valentina pauses in scooping the ice cream

"My friend Julianna saved my life when we were young. I was very sad after daddy died and got pretty sick and made stupid decisions. It means the world to me that she is back here and meeting you both. Claudio and Julian good strong names as are their namesakes."

The boys take to this explanation easily enough understanding that their mother spent time in hospital, but ice cream and movies are far more important.


	3. Chapter 3

  
The beginning of their relationship is a series of milestones, both conventional and obscure.

Julianna knows Valentina Carvajal with a deep level of intimacy both the wonderful and the devastating aspects. The intervening years change the external details, family dynamics and the societal landscape but not the core of the woman. It is tempting to fall into the old patterns of romantic dates and idealistic conversations. Julianna's worst day is made better by about her work with the charity or how the boys are doing at school.

Juliana's favourite time in the world is when Valentina agrees to model new concept designs in the large studio workplace. Many of the ideas won't make it past her sewing machine but wrapping her love in expensive material fulfils some need on a deep and emotional level. The bright riot of colours and accessories look amazing on the willowy frame.

"Am I your muse, my darling?"

Valentina says the words jokingly as patiently waits for Juliana to pin the fabric in place. The look in her dark eyes is joyous even when her old scars are evident in the mirror. Somehow these sessions work well for her self esteem.

"You were my muse from the moment we met"

"I did wonder why some of your models look like they could be my cousins."

"Your sister already teases me for my obsession."

Valentina carefully leans down to kiss her check to avoid the pins and patterns.

"My favourite job of all time."

 

1\. **First Family Dinner**

Juliana tries not to let old memories haunt her as Eva welcomes her into the family home. Aside from stolen kisses and confessions with Valentina her interactions in the Carvajal Eastes painful and soul destroying. The lingering resentment about her father's crimes and Lupita de Valdés's status still haunts her nightmares, most featuring these people and the older generation in a starting role. However, Val's siblings and their families and not her enemies anymore and as in many Southern American homes, any successful relationship will include family dinners.

Juliana feelings of unease lessen somewhat with how 'lived in' Eva's home feels complete with toys on the floor and lousy finger paintings on the wall. Strangely for somebody who makes a living in designing high-end clothing, she is uncomfortable with the staged perfection look of living rooms with pristine furniture and mood lighting. The comfortable chaos of a busy kitchen and load voices is more comforting.

"Are you, Aunt Val's girlfriend?"

Juliana fights down a mild surge of panic at the question from one of Guille's brood, reuniting with the love of his life  made the man eager for a family and lots of children both biological and adopted. This particular son is a minature of his father in temperament and bearing.

"Yes I am"

He doesn't need to know all the complexities in the statement.

"She talks about you allll the time, but I think my Mamma is prettier than you." the young boy declares decisively.

"Such an attitude will take you far in life and this household in particular"

Juliana doesn't feel entirely uncomfortable in this environment, but nor does she feel hostile and isolated, especially when the kids start playing tag with Valencia in the backyard and her laughter echos in the halls.

  
2\. **First Public Appearance**

Of course, this is their first official public appearance where they volunteer for cameras and questions.

There was a brief period where the gutter press realises that they are in a relationship — the resulting headlines and equally amusing and annoying and not half as infamous as the truth. Valentina feels the stress of the intrusion, but she refuses to hide their relationship. The Carvajal's PR and legal team are quick to establish boundaries for the boys.

"The Other Woman in the breakdown of Valentina's toxic marriage and she's not Claudio" is a particularly degrading headline on multiple levels.

Valentina is surprisingly serene about the whole thing once her children are safe and Juliana reassure her that the press can't affect wider members of Valdes family and inner circles. A few former 'friends' and ex-employees try to cash in on the story, but Eva is ruthless in threatening to blacklist any paper that publishes any of the material. In contrast, Val becomes increasingly public in her displays of affection.

" Do you have any plans for next Friday?"

"Not after 6pm? why?"

"Will you consider being my date to the school fundraiser? I promised to veto any themes or cheap polyester costumes for your sake?"

"The fundraiser where all your friends and school parents will be? The one where gossip spreads like wildfire in Texas?"

"The very same but I have it on good authority our relationship is positively boring in comparison to the War of the Jones"

Juliana feels a wave of tenderness at the trust Valentina is placing in their relatively knew relationship. Integrating somebody into the school environment is marjor step. Her mother was equally protective of a young Juliana with any potential dates. Heck, Juliana still has the deciding vote on Luptia’s second marriage to a lovely man.

 

  
3. **First Errands**

"Is this boring for you?"

Juliana looks up in surprise from the colour plate she is studying sensing the anxiety in Valentina's voice. The twins are chattering excitedly about the redesign of their rooms, but Val is watching her nervously trying not to wring her hands. There are probably better ways to spend a Saturday, but taking the boys to different furniture and hardware stores is surprisingly fun.

"Of course not - it's nice to have a different sort of design challenge. The boys aren't the only ones looking forward to ice cream reward" Julianna reassures

"I know you are taking on allot by entering my orbit again. Please don't think I ever take your presence for granted."

Juliana feels like this is a more serious conversation than the rows of outdoor paints, and curious shoppers can handle. At the same time, when Valentina is in one of these means, quick answers do not suffice. She will offer to attend a therapy session next week, and they can work on the underlying issues.

"The threads of my life brought me back to you. I want to spend a million mundane moments with you and the boys, including debating the finer points shades of blue and masculine identity in the modern area."  
  
Valentina doesn’t reply with words but she does pull Juliana closer with shaking hands. The kiss is slow and tender but the sound of Julian giggling distracts from anything too serious or attention worthy

  
4\. **FIrst Disagreement**

The fight is Juliana's fault not that she can see this at the time.

Of course, her ability to recall anything after making love to her soulmate for hours is questionable. It's their first time as adults, and the feelings are somehow better with a few scars and even more insecurities. Valentina goes to vaguely ridiculous lengths to make the evening romantic with her favourite food and music in abundance. She doesn't even worry when Valentina exceeds her limit of a wine glass on special occasions. Valentina's tolerance is unnaturally high, and the expense bottle doesn't affect her in the slightest.

Julianna forgets to mention that she has an early morning conference call and slips out of bed in the pre-dawn hours trying to let the chronic insomniac sleep in for once with the twins staying with their dad. This proofs to be a mistake that the giant roses she picks up for Val won't fix.

"Are you ashamed of me? Of us?"

The question makes very little sense and momentary throws Juliana of her game, and she swiftly puts down the flowers and chocolate in favour of careful, slow movements. Valentina is anxious by nature and can often make leaps in logic that aren't especially rational but feel genuine all the same. The way the taller woman is wringing her hands and pacing is a dead giveaway, her voice is brittle and spoiling for a fight.

"I forgot to mention a conference call."

"Leaving a note was too much trouble?"

"I planned to be back before you woke, and I couldn't find a pen."

Valentina looks slightly relieved, but the tension and desperation remains even when she accepts a peace offering.

“Wake me up whenever you have to leave I don’t care what the time is, I can’t bare the thought of losing you again. It might kill me”

Juliana feels the words aren’t an exaggeration and she resolves to make that therapy appointment the following morning. Eva may have some suggestions for lifting this bleak mood and insecurity.

“I am not leaving you Darling and I will fill your room with post it notes. Now eat your food before it gets cold. It’s from your favourite place”

  
5\. **First Regression**

Despite all the warnings of the older Carvajal siblings, Juliana finds herself caught unaware when Valentina slips.

The pressure points were all there from the charity not making a budget to Claudio making noises about revisiting custody arrangements. Her love is anxious by nature, and the stress affects her ability to sleep and eat. Of course, Juliana is busy as well and misses the early warning signs.

It is hard to miss the small bottles of vodka hiding in the pot plants or the faint smell on Valentina's skin.

Of course the cliche of a 'functioning addict' exists for a reason, and Valentina is her usual grateful self with families, friends and work colleagues. The house is full of baking smells for the school fundraisers, and homework reports are faultless. The dichotomy makes it hard to raise the issue, especially without the looming presence of Eva and Gullie as a backup.

"Exactly, how drunk are you?"

It's not the right time or place for the question, but there are only so many times you can ignore a vodka travel bottle before denial wears thin. Besides, the twins need a mother who is functioning and healthy.

"I am in control of this"

"The fact you are hiding stashes and chewing mints like they are food groups says otherwises."

"I'm slurring my words or tripping over my feet?"

"No, which is more of a concern than a relief."

The argument is brutal from there. Valentina is vicious when she is cornered and always had been. She knows every one of Juliana's weak spots and doesn't hesitate to bring up the worse of their past. The words are painful but hurt far less than the hollow tome behind them. Juliana keeps her responses resolute and straightforward. Valentina is going for emergency treatment, or she is risking their relationship custody again. It doesn't even matter which of these threats work.

  
6\. **First Paperwork**

"Are you sure about this?"

Julianna looks down at the Next of Kin paperwork with no small amount of appreciation. The level of trust that Valentina and the Carvajal family are placing in her is no little thing. Val's medical history is complex and involves many specialists across the country. Mexico has an inequitable healthcare system that is inaccessible to most, but Juliana feels grateful for their position of privilege.

Thirty days of treatment is hard and does not progress without tears and accusations. Valentina makes it through with more tools to cope with life and profound gratitude for her family. The myth of a functioning addict with the ability to be a social drinker is well truly destroyed.

"There is nobody that I would trust more to make decisions for me - especially in light of recent events."

Juliana hands she as she signs in the appropriate places and reads each stipulation carefully. The truth is she wants her caretaking responsibilities to become formal. If anything happens to Valentina, she wants to be with the doctors and discussing the car with Gullie and Eva. On a practical level, Val's health is still unstable, and it's essential that she can discuss medication and mood with authority if it comes to it.

"I'm thinking of designing you a second white dress after this level of commitment."

The words are meant as a joke, but Valentina freezes anyway. She avoids any talk of marriage as if her first experience is reflective of the entire institution. She couldn't even bring herself to look at the beautiful dress that Juliana spent so many hours making for her.

"I'm joking darling. Maybe we can reconsider once the boys leave for high school, and we are feeling like empty nesters or something."

"I want that future with you."

 

7\. F **irst Labels**

"She is my girlfriend- I must see her."

Juliana realises with a start that this is the first time she has uttered the words in public, in the featureless private hospital is far from the ideal place, but she doesn't regret the statement. It's almost enough to distract her from the haunting memories of being in the hospital with her mother. The smell is strong and the noises similar to those of her nightmares. Fortunately, somebody has enough sense to call ahead, and there is no haggling over relationship status. Juliana doesn't even flinch at the security team that mark her every step.

The scene that greets her on the second floor of the hospital isn't as bad as she feared, but it isn't good either.

Valentina looks impossibly vulnerable in the hospital bed. Her long hair in a tangled mess and usually flawless makeup caked uneven patches. A nurse is carefully sterilising a nasty looking burn on her arm wrist that covers a good portion of her forearm. There is a small pile of bloody bandages on the bedside that makes Juliana feel vaguely ill she resolutely keeps her face Valentina who is trying valiantly to mask her pain.

"I wasn't drinking" Valentina blurts out in English a language she rarely uses.

"I didn't say that you were" Juliana answers in the same language.

"I got competitive with my former sister in law and tried to make the perfect Quesadilla for the celebration and become careless with oil at the wrong time. Luckily the boys were in the other room. The pain was nearly unbearable, but the screaming was minimal."

Juliana doesn't let to think about how expert her lover is at hiding her feelings and distress. A lifetime of expectations, fears and self-medicating are hard to break. This sad reality makes their relationship feel all the more important.

  
8\. **First Holiday**

Of course, their holiday is opulent.

Post recovery Valentina Carvajal is a woman with a relatively simple taste who understands the contributes her jetsetter socialite lifestyle made to the addiction cycle. The twins have a regular bedtime, meal schedule, and so does there, mother. Juliana takes pride in keeping all the members of the household on track. Val spent most of her adult life spending money headlessly or under a Valentina Carvajal/Juliana Valdes when the drinking got bad, so Juliana spends their third and fifth weekends together going over the books and starting a budget. The Mexcian economy is slowly stabilising but is still subject to tariffs, trade wars and political instability.

"How do you make a mountain of receipts and invoices look sexy?" Valentina asks as watches the calculuations

"Its a gift no hush and tell me why you need three types of landscaping."

Her girlfriend is a daughter of privilage, and considerable wealth and extravagance is almost second nature. The working class girl in Julianna puts up a mostly token resistance, but years of running a fashion house does mean a certain level of travel comes with the job. She tries to offset the guilt with 'sustainable flying' measures and environmental donations. Besides Valentina works so hard at her renewed sorority that letting her plan the trip feels like a small reward.

"You are going to love the tree houses and waterfalls. The resort as a high eco-friendly rating and we will make up a photos book for Claudio and Julian."

Valentina is almost bouncing with excitement as she points at photos on the screen. She sells the virtues like somebody on commission. Juliana is glad she resists the urge to offer to stay home as an alternative. Every aspect of this holiday is designed with her comfort and interest in mind and thus a moving tribute to their progress.

 

  
***

 

Juliana stands outside the twins' school trying to muster up the courage to go in.

There is no real reason for her to feel so apprehensive the boys know her and are slowing coming to trust the new person in their lives will be close to permanent. Juliana is scrupulously respectful of parenting dynamics and not blundering into the custody batter. They were even civil during the boys birthday party with the new girlfriend who may be a keeper.

"Can you take the boys for the afternoon while I take the meeting?"

In theory, this sounds straightforward, but in practice, Juliana feels the pressure to make a good impression and strike a balance as a pseudo step parent.

"Julianna, are you picking us up today?"

"That's right Julian; how was your day?"

She receives brief responses, but an impromptu game of tag becomes far more interesting. Juliana falls into natural conversations with several parents carrying lunches, bags and posters. The kids yell and fight imaginary dragons and Pokemon. The parents talk about dull realities with mealtime and work deadlines.

 

 

 


	4. Developmental Milestones

_ Sunset is an angel weeping _

_ Holding out a bloody sword _

_ No matter how I squint I cannot _

_ Make out what it's pointing toward _

_ Sometimes you feel like you've lived too long _

_ Days drip slowly on the page _

_ You catch yourself _

_ Pacing the cage _

 

_ I've proven who I am so many times _

_ The magnetic strip's worn thin _

_ And each time I was someone else _

_ And every one was taken in _

_ Hours chatter in high places _

_ Stir up eddies in the dust of rage _

_ Set me to pacing the cage _

_ Pacing The Cage - Bruce Cockburn  _

 

 

Valentia children are as wonderful and temperamental as she is. 

 

Juliana Valdés may be ambivalent about children in general, but she is developing a genuine affection for Julian and Claudio in particular. Her mother takes her to task at the beginning of the relationship. The anger of a former single mother is justified. Juliana did not take the role of potential stepparent seriously. The words still echo in her head sometimes whenever she has a disagreement with Val or things with Claudio get tense. 

 

_ "If you leave after a year, three hearts would break. This relationship can't just be about holiday, movie nights and bedtime stories. It's not even about rushing to the rescue when they are sick. You will need to be there for the most boring bits, the meetings and the arguments about homework." _

 

Juliana likes to think she is taking her role seriously to the point that she is willing to disagree with the woman she loves. 

 

"How dare Claudio's latest girlfriend claim there is something wrong with my son. She has no right, and there is nothing wrong with Julian."

 

Juliana is moderately thankful that they are having this conversation by the pool. There are no sharp objects for her girlfriend to grab or throw. As it is Val is gesturing wildly and switching between English and Spanish in search of adjectives. 

 

"She's not a bad person, and they've been dating for six months. In this case, she is right; Julian does need some help." 

 

The look of absolute betrayal on Valentina's face gives Juliana vivid flashbacks of when they discovered the Leon-Jacob drama just before everything fell apart. She never wants to cause her lover any pain like that again, but some truths are worth taking risks for especially for the children. Eva and Gullie adore their nephews, but the older Carvajal siblings are still gun shy after risking so much to keep the boys safe during the divorce. 

 

"You are right. There is nothing wrong with Julian, but he is struggling at school and is withdrawing socially. He barely musters the energy to chase Claudio around the garden or squabble over the desert." 

 

"It's a busy few weeks he's just tired from all the activity. I'll talk to their father about an early holiday to visit his mother. Grandma is the cure to most ills for those two" Valentia says decisively.  

 

"It's more than simple tiredness my love, and the sooner he gets help, the better."

 

To her credit, Valentina doesn't immediately storm off or yell at Juliana for interfering in the matter. Her bleak look of fear and torment isn't any more comforting. It's possible she senses or knows that these problems are more severe but doesn't want to address the reality. 

 

***

 

Julian is struggling in school, and Valentina is blaming herself. 

 

Valentina Carvajal lacks self-esteem, to begin with, and years an addict in an unhappy marriage escalates the underlying problem. Her life post the latest relapse is relatively strict with mandatory therapy and homework. Eva and the family are hovering nervously, but they seem more willing to trust the process this time. 

 

Sometimes Val's doubts about being a mother come into sharp relief. 

 

Of course, as far as Juliana can tell there are layers of not doing well in the school setting. However, the situation is bad enough that Val and Claudio are putting on a rare unified front. 

 

"What can we do? Do we need to higher extra tutors for every subject?" Claudio looks like he is desperate to pull out a proverbial chequebook to make the situation go away. 

 

The teacher is familiar with the expectations of wealthy parents and does not react to the display of influence. The school the boys attend is exclusive (a legacy admission through the paternal line). The student to educator ratio is the envy of most parts of Mexico. The resources exist to cope with children of most abilities if the parents reach a certain income bracket. 

 

"His performance in class isn't what bothers me. We can address any problems with our learning support programmes. His social isolation and anxiety is the real concern and is most likely behind the drop in grades." 

 

"Julian has nothing to be anxious about," his parents say in unified defensiveness. 

 

Juliana feels a wave of empathy for them seeing that it wasn't just wealth that leads to this marriage. Valentina and Claudio were both insecure and struggled desperately to hide behind social expectations and pressure. 

 

"Children can have these emotions without obvious external sources or ones that are immediately apparent. I'm recommending Julian start seeing a child psychologist."

 

Valentina's grip becomes vice-like. 

 

 

***

 

In the year since they reunited Juliana falls more in love with Valentina every day. 

 

The Carvajals and her mother were right to express concern about the intensity of the budding relationship. There were plenty of complicating factors without adding supernatural and reincarnated fathers. Those feelings are still the same if anything they have grown with the added complications of children and bills. 

 

There is something beautiful about watching how hard Valentina works to feel and live better. 

 

Addiction is far from glamorous and sexy, and it brings out all the unattractive elements of human nature. Her biases might be showing, but Julianna thinks that wealthy people become particularly nasty when sick, Val is no exception. However, watching the relentless way the taller woman strives to meet daily milestones is life-affirming. 

 

"Don't worry its water."

 

"If it weren't water you wouldn't be sitting by the pool in front of the kitchen window when I am doing the dishes," Juliana says confidently.

 

Valentina gives a non-committal shrug as Juliana drapes a blanket around her shoulders before sitting down and slipping bare feet into the water. They don't live together but only because it makes so much sense for Juliana to maintain an apartment near her studio. Besides it's worth taking things slow with Valentia still in the fragile part of relapse recovery. 

 

"I am still going to come out here and worry about my sad girlfriend even if there is no risk of an episode tonight. You were incredibly brave in coming home with me and not seeking the nearest bar. I know that motherhood and worry about the boys is one of your most significant stress points. 

 

"You and Annalise are singing from the same hymn sheet. Why did I pay her triple figures for an emergency Skype session again?" Valentia attempts to joke. 

 

 

 

***

 

"Is this my fault?"

 

Juliana wants to leap into the conversation with reassurances, but that isn't her role here. Instead, she settles for squeezing Valentina's hand and silently praying that this education professional is empathetic. 

 

"I am working through addiction recovery. Neither of us were the most attentive parents, especially through the acrimonious divorce" Valentina barely flinches at the words anymore. 

 

"Ms Carvajal no one aspect causes the problems Julian is experiencing. Neither you or your former husband are responsible. Furthermore, assigning blame will not help the situation. To the best of my knowledge, you are both working hard to provide a loving environment for your sons. 

 

"Then why is my son anxious all the time and failing subjects he uses to love?"

 

"That's what we are going to work out in the course of our seasons. The first thing you need to realise is anxiety disorders in children are not uncommon and can occur for many reasons. For a long time, people didn't give children enough credit in experiencing the full range of human emotions. The difference is children don't often have words to describe what they are experiencing."

 

"Is that suppose to comfort me?" Val asks hotly 

 

"Valentina..." Juliana whispers softly 

 

"Not right now, but it is something to keep in mind. We are at the start of the process."

 

 

 

***

 

"Are sure you don't want to run away yet?"

 

Valentina is witty, charming and beautiful, but she cannot carry off a flippant remark about anything serious. There is deep insecurity in her eyes as she asks the question without any context. She nervously fiddles with the highlighter she is using to review print outs of journal articles. 

 

Juliana glances up from her IPad to give her lover a strange look before moving to sit beside Val. She gently stills the frantic tapping before answering the questions. 

 

"After anything, we faced together and were up against to stay together do you honestly think Julian having problems is a deal-breaker?"  

 

"Our last six date nights were cancelled so that I can frantically research and apply the techniques Dr Cohn suggests. You have spent more time with my ex-husband than me for the last month."

 

"We have plenty of time for date nights, Val. I am not going to run away when things get tricky with the children. Outside of how I feel about you, the twins mean the world to me. No matter how many late nights it takes and movies we miss." 

 

Valentina sighs as Juliana rearranges the limbs so that Val's head is on her lap. The tension eases as Juliana starts whispering comforting nonsense. 

 

 

***

 

"I am proud of you, darling."

 

Juliana gives her mother a bemused look as she pours them both another cup of coffee. Their weekly lunches have become something of a tradition somewhere between the launch of her first label and Lupita's second wedding anniversary. In the early days, they huddled together and exchanged pattern ideas. Now the older Valdés has an office in the design studio. 

 

Juliana struggles not to wince at the mess that surrounds them just outside the door. Her employees are putting the finishing elements on the latest range of environmentally friendly evening wear. Jul is proud of her team that they only interrupt the lunch hour two times to ask for approval or a signature. More than a few may want to come in to hug Lupita and thank her for the homemade cookies. 

 

"The collection isn't out until May - don't buy into the advanced reviews, Mumma."

 

"I will always be proud of you no matter what the reports say, but that's not what I was referring to," Lupita replies seriously. 

 

"You are taking your role in Valentina's life seriously. She is getting back on her feet and struggling to be a good mother. Having you to count on is an immense help. Julian needs to know that his foundation is solid when it comes to both his parents and any significant others in their lives."

 

"I would do anything to make her and the boys happy. Valentia means everything to me, and I love her all the more for being a devoted mother."

 

"I wasn't supportive of your relationship or even the reunion; in the beginning, that will be one of my lasting regrets. Your father casts a long shadow. Seeing you together now, stronger than ever warms my heart." 

 

"We both found our second chances, Mumma." 

 

 

 

 

***

 

"Everyone at school will think I'm bad or broken. Daddy doesn't do the same things with me as he does Claudio."

 

Juliana is careful not to react to the quiet words nor how strongly Julian resembles his mother at that moment. He has his mother's habit of trying to hunch and hide his limbs and take up smaller space. Fortunately, his appetite is slowly returning, and he is making his way through the ice cream sundae. 

 

"Your dad is worried about how you are feeling, but he doesn't love you any less. You and your brother must get time alone. You like learning about the family tree, don't you?"

 

Both the teachers and the psychologist suggest that Claudio and Valentina take an active role in school projects and talk their son through his fears in a gentle way. One of the most important elements is helping him stay grounded in his presence in the family. 

 

"Yes but.."

 

"You aren't wrong or broken Julian, or any other label kids use these days. Your parents and teachers are working hard to make things easier, so you start to feel better and not worry so much." 

 

"Am I sick like Mommy was sick?" 

 

Valentina is steadfast in her confessions that the boys saw far more than was healthy in her worse days. Motherhood did not make the top five of her priorities when drinking heavily. There is also the added complication of social media and the infamous Carvajal last name. However, it is difficult to tell exactly how deep the understanding goes or where they are getting the information. 

 

"It's not quite the same thing, but your mommy is feeling much better just like you will in time. There are so many people that love you. You are both incredibly strong and brave."

 

"You make Mommy smile all the time. She laughs more too and is a much better cook."

 

"I can't take much credit for that. My skills in the kitchen are laughable at best."

 

"The household budget means we have to eat at home more" Julian parrots his namesake almost precisely. 

 

Juliana laughs at the resemblance and the seriousness of his expression. Teaching Valentina to budget is an ongoing battle, but the family dinners are lovely. The kitchen looks as if somebody aside from a professional chief with OCD lives there. 

 

"Can I tell you a secret?"

 

Julian nods enthusiastically 

 

"Your mother makes me smile too."

 

"That's not a secret Juliana."

 

The simple truth makes Juliana burst into another round of laughter before reaching for another scoop of icecream. The little moments with the children are becoming more frequent. Val and Claudio are working well together with a common goal. Juliana will also feel slightly bitter and resentful for the lost years with her love, but she adores the harmony that is developing now. 

 

"I guess you are right about that, Julian."

 

"You even eat all her lasagna, even what it's burnt and too salty." Julian offers as if that is the ultimate proof of love. 

 

***

 

"Can we stay here forever?"

 

Juliana smiles as she floats next to her girlfriend. The pool is ridiculous in size and structure, but nights like this are glorious. They are floating together with classical music playing from the surround speakers. The house feels strangely empty without children demanding attention. Claudio is staking them to visit his grandmother, and Juliana decides to take the week off work to spend time with her girlfriend. 

 

"You wouldn't get here any objections from me, but there are some advantages to being on dry land." 

 

"I feel like I can breathe again now that Julian is starting to show signs of improvement. If only there were some way to celebrate without making a big deal of the situation. Maybe Eva can host a celebration for all the cousins?" 

 

"There aren't set milestones in this thing, Val. He is still going to have bad days. Let's take the small victories where we can and keep the parties to the typical dates." 

 

Valentina shoves a small wave of water at her companion before tucking her into a loose embrace. Even in the water, Juliana's skin has a distinctive scent as Val kisses her shoulder and neck. 

 

"Don't you ever get tired of being my conscience after nearly a decade of the job, darling?" Val whispers in her ear. 

 

"Never"

 

"One of the best things I like about being sober and finding my way back to you is that I can hear the voice of Juliana Valdés clearly now. Even in my worse states, you were whispering in my ear to be better, but there wasn't any room for those thoughts back then. I never stopped needing you even if I took the cowards way out." 

 

"Every step was worth it if it brought us here now, and I don't intend to go anywhere."

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
